my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
