Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
