i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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