I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is not my ceiling
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
