after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The uberlube is also flammable
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
