Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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