Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
