i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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