Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
