My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
