On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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