I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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