Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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