I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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