just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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