My liver just broke up with me...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Drake has all the answers