Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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