You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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