goodnight i made you a song goodbye
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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