Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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