I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
