felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
