the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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