I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
