I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She's just so happy...and so naked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
