If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
