I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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