listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
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he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
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I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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