someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
