i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
