she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have already put on my inside pants.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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