when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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