I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's never too late to be topless.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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