the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
