My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
