Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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