All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
