In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The ass gains better be worth it
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