I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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