Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
