walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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