don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
