new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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