You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just invented taco cereal.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
