theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
