woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
