I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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