Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
