but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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