She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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