i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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