I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
