Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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