is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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