Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You are a genius and a whore.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
