two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
