The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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