Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
